Virgin spouses guide to first time pain-free sex

By Funmi Akingbade

I have had the opportunity for many years to counsel many intending couples whose relationships have ended in a good marriage. However, in the course of my interaction (unbelievable as it may sound) I have discovered that close to 50% of such intending couples (male and female) were in a non-sexual relationship.

My phones were always busy with all types of questions on how to deal with their wedding night. They didn’t know what to do sexually, how to go about it, and many ended up with a sexless or frustrated honeymoon.

So, today, I want to elaborate on the different things virgin spouses need to keep in mind before having sex. It’s also about the things they need to do to make sure it’s a pain-free and memorable experience for both.

When couples are ready for sex for the first time, the excitement may be so overpowering. On the other hand, it’s very easy to let anxiety take over because for most ladies one of the biggest worries is the pain associated with first time sex.

She wonders in apprehension what it will be like; will it hurt, how much does it hurt? Does it hurt for all ladies? Why do ladies bleed? Would I bleed, will I enjoy it? Am I going to have orgasm? How does an orgasm feel?

The truth is many ladies don’t feel any pain at all the first time they have sexual intercourse. Very few ladies actually experience pain that’s unbearable. And if you do experience any pain at all while having sex for the first time, the pain may be similar to a pinprick. The psychological trauma of imagining how much it would hurt is almost always a lot worse than the actual pain many ladies feel!

While having sex for the first time, there may be spotting or bleeding because of the tear in the hymen. How much you bleed depends on the size and thickness of your hymen. But if you do bleed, you may just notice a bit of spotting on your bed or, at times, something that resembles your period stain on the sheets.

The hymen which is a thin membrane ‘like very thin skin’ that partially closes the opening to the vagina could tear for several reasons like vigorous exercises, aerobics, energetic dances or even while getting fingered, so for such ladies the hymen may not be a sign of virginity, but sexual intercourse.

After having sex for the first time, you may continue to bleed a little over a few days. But if you see anything more than a bit of spotting in your underwear or scant traces when you pee, speak to someone you trust in the family or get in touch with your doctor.

Few brides who have sex for the first time could experience some soreness for a day or two. Yes, it’s just because you have worked your internal muscles that have been dormant. So, it’s natural to feel a bit sore just like you would after a good workout.

The virgin groom on the other hand will also wonder what it will be like. Will I satisfy her? Will I have erection? Am I impotent? Am I a real man? Can I be a father? The best thing to do is to just relax and have a loving attitude towards yourselves and do not make it mandatory to have sex or practice all the expert methods that same night.

Start off by helping each other to undress and give room for both of you to refresh yourselves with a good bath. This is necessary to calm you down after the ordeal of the wedding ceremony you have both gone through. The physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion might affect you negatively if not well handled.

It is, therefore, very important to be in a relaxed mood and not compulsorily focus your mind on sex for the night; you still have all other nights to yourselves.  Then just relax and do not look too serious.  At this point you both should chat, say something sweet and romantic to each other. This should be done more by the groom, in so doing it will relax the bride the more.

The same goes to the bride – do not appear as a saintly prey and the man as the merciless devourer; give your husband a reassuring look of acceptance and approval.

After bathing – which you can take together – change into something comfortable and lovely. The bride should change into something sweet, irresistible, transparent and seductive, preferably a new lacy bra and undies with a good body perfume. The bride just has to smell very good. The groom likewise should change into a good pajamas, make use of a good perfume, after-shave and comb his hair neatly.


I am at the bridge of calling it quits with my wife of 18 years. Initially I thought this whole saga will disappear like a nightmare and everything will become normal again but to my frustration it getting worse by the day. Since my wife came across this so-called man of God sex had been very beautiful. As a matter of fact she teaches me lots of sexual moves and tricks. But ever since she became member of this church I have to give a month notice before she will look into her timetable or schedule to create a space for lovemaking with me – her husband. As if this is not bad enough when eventually she consider having sex with me she has to first put a call to her pastor and ask if she should go ahead and have sex with me. What type of a miserable life is this? I want your opinion before send her packing.

This is more of a spiritual matter than sexual or physical. I think the best thing here is for you and your wife to see a sincere clergyman together. One you are sure she respects and would appreciate his counsel. There is a misconception of real relationship with God and being religious here, and it takes a person of a godly reputation to help clear the controversy.


I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes. In the first outbreak I got treated and tested. The result came out negative. I was so happy but then I had a second outbreak six months later and went to my doctor and had various tests done. But when the result came out it was positive and since then I have been placed on some form of treatment. But the real reason I’m asking this question is that I have a lot of yeast infection outbreaks at the same time. It’s so horrible sometimes I feel something is crawling all over my body. Does the medicine for herpes treatment cause this?

Although yeast infections come as a result of a PH imbalance, but if you are placed on continuous antibiotics for the treatment of anything, it may be a reason for you to be easily infected with yeast infection and even have a breakout. The drugs have given room for a growth of yeast infection due to PH imbalance. Try eating yogurt to help get the PH balance back and also take a lot of vegetables.


My blood pressure is always irregular before and after sex. What is going on? Are there reasons for this irregularity? Is there a problem with my heart? I am hypertensive and fear for my life.

Sex like any other physical activity could increase the rate of heart beat and cause a rise in blood pressure during and after because of the exertion on the heart. But a lot of irregularity in blood pressure measurements is as a result of faulty readings. How do you go about it? First and foremost before taking your blood pressure: find a quiet place. (You will need to listen for your heartbeat.) Roll up the sleeve on your left arm or remove any tight-sleeved clothing. It’s best to take blood pressure from the left arm, if possible. Make sure you rest in a chair next to a table for five to 10 minutes. Your left arm should rest comfortably at heart level, then sit up straight with your back against the chair, legs uncrossed; rest your forearm on the table with the palm of your hand facing up.

If you purchase a manual or digital blood pressure monitor, follow the instruction booklet carefully. Locate your pulse by lightly pressing your index and middle fingers slightly to the inside centre of the bend of the elbow. Here you can feel the pulse of the brachial artery. If you cannot locate a pulse, place the head of the stethoscope (on a manual monitor) or the arm cuff (on a digital monitor) in the same general area.

Secure the cuff by threading the cuff end through the metal loop and slide the cuff onto your arm, making sure that the stethoscope head is over the artery. (When using a manual monitor, the cuff may be marked with an arrow to show the location of the stethoscope head.)

The lower edge of the cuff should be about 1 inch above the bend of your elbow. Place the stethoscope in your ears. Tilt the earpiece slightly forward to get the best sound. Inflate and deflate the cuff if you are using a manual monitor: hold the pressure gauge in your left hand and the bulb in your right. Close the airflow valve on the bulb by turning the screw clockwise.  Inflate the cuff by squeezing the bulb with your right hand. You may hear your pulse in the stethoscope. Watch the gauge. Keep inflating the cuff until the gauge reads about 30 points (mm Hg) above your expected systolic pressure.

At this point, you should not hear your pulse in the stethoscope. Keeping your eyes on the gauge, slowly release the pressure in the cuff by opening the airflow valve counter clockwise. The gauge should fall only two to three points with each heartbeat. (You may need to practice turning the valve slowly.) Listen carefully for the first pulse beat. As soon as you hear it, note the reading on the gauge. This reading is your systolic pressure.  Continue to slowly deflate the cuff. Listen carefully until the sound disappears. As soon as you can no longer hear your pulse beat, note the reading on the gauge. This reading is your diastolic pressure. Allow the cuff to completely deflate and make sure you are not entertaining any form of fear or anxiety all through.


When I was in my 20’s I had a perfectly healthy sex drive. Now, in my mid-30′s, I find myself totally disinterested 95% of the time. Is this normal? Don’t you think I am too young to be disinterested in sex? I am trying to figure out if it could be due to hormonal birth control, as I am now on one of such. Help! It shouldn’t be this way; I’m a young, healthy, mostly well-adjusted wife. What’s going on?

Family planning drugs do affect libido. In some women, the pill increases libido, in others it decreases it, and still in others it has no effect at all. When next you want to fix one make sure you do that under the supervision of a family planning officer and make sure you relate your experience before they place you on another type.

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